Reflections of a Soulful Woman

The long and winding journey to reclaim my soul. Stories of life, love, loss, breakups, divorce, epiphanies, depression, hope, dreams

Monday, October 23, 2006

divorce and suicide

site:
http://www.divorceinfo.com/suicide.htm#EffectOfDivorce

One recent study by the National Institute for Healthcare Research in Rockville, MD indicates that divorced people are three times as likely to commit suicide as people who are married. The Institute says that divorce now ranks as the number one factor linked with suicide rates in major U.S. cities, ranking above all other physical, financial, and psychological factors.
A study of 13 European countries by the regional European office of the World Health Organization found that divorce was the only factor linked with suicide in every one of the 13 countries. The study showed that factors like poverty, unemployment, and disability were associated with divorce in some of the countries but that disruption of the family was the only factor linked with divorce in all 13.

Anecdotally, the coroner of Butler County, Ohio told UPI in the late 80's that he thought the high rate of suicide in that area was traceable to men's inability to cope with divorce. Dr. Richard Burkhardt said he thought women were more likely to feel needed after divorce because they needed to take care of children. But men, he said, felt cut off from their role as head of the household and felt they had no reason to live.
Statistically, women are more likely to attempt suicide, but men are more likely to succeed. Suicide is more likely among men over age 65, among young people, among disabled people, and among people in lower socio-economic groups.

WARNING SIGNS:


The most important and most alarming sign of suicide is in the words people use. Here are some of the statements people might make or joke about as they contemplate suicide:
"I think it's time to end it all."
"I think I may just check out,"
"I don't think I can take this any more."
"Life isn't worthwhile" or "Life isn't worth living anymore."
"Life stinks and I'm tired of it."
"I sometimes just want to die."
And sometimes the statements are less direct:
"Sometimes I just want to sleep forever."
"They'll be sorry when I'm gone."
"I'm so worthless."
"I think the pain will be over soon."
"Life is more complicated for everybody because of me."
People are at greater risk to commit suicide if they have a close friend or family member who has committed suicide. They are at far greater risk to commit suicide if they have tried to do it before.



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the Bitterness of the ex's "new girlfriend"

Here I sit in my barren room, one piece of furniture picked from a curbside which I unsuccessfully tried to refinish, still no drawer handles, one piece donated to me by a close friend and one piece that I bought at my brother's garage sale several years ago for $20 and was prompted to throw away by the people who moved it TWICE in the past year - but I kept it. I did manage to leave with the $200 comforter that I am currently laying on - and it feels nice at least. I sit here in my tiny little rental home and though I am TRULY thankful to have a roof over my head, food in the fridge and healthy children- though I am home with my sick 4 year old today - I am thankful I am ok in general. However, I am still bitter. When I stopped by my ex's house this past weekend, on my way up to a fun filled Cub Scout camping- tenting - trip - 40 degree wather and lots of rain - still had fun, anyway ! so...when I went to the ex's to drop off the clothes that were HIS - the kids clothes that belong to him - there was a car in the driveway. MY driveway. I rang the door bell several times, getting satisfaction out of bothering him and his new friend - the one that met EVERYONE at his mom's funeral. He would not answer the door but I would not give up there. I went to the back door where MY french doors in the kitchen were not covered with window treatments and knowing him, they never will be. The kids came with me to the back door to see their dad. He finally came down, very red-faced. It was interesting to me that he is the "assistant coach" for his son's soccer team when it's convenient for him.... but now his son is not going to be at the game so suddenly he says " I didn't need to be there, I am just one of the "father helpers" like everyone else. " It is and always will be whatever is convenient for him as he is one of the most immature, slefish people I have ever met. So here he is, standing in the doorway, her long black boots on MY kitchen floor, two little wilting roses in a little jar vase on the kitchen table that's been in my family for decades and music blaring upstairs in my bedroom. I ask to meet her, he says no. At this point, my heart is racing. I've been having these dreams about her and what her name is. I finally get him to tell me her name is "kris" or "chris" or something. She has two little kids. He won't tell me anything about her and it just eats at me. I feel ... hmmm... I don't know how I feel. I feel angry. I am angry that I had to leave MY house because I couldn't afford to live there. I feel jealous that his family will like her better than me, that she may be prettier than I, that she may be way more successful than me, that she may be nicer than me... what if my kids like her better than me? God kill me if that ever happens... so here she is... having sex with my ex on MY bed, in MY room right next to the room where MY kids sleep. I DO NOT want him back - My God, he slowly abused me and killed a piece of my soul... but it kills me that I had to be the one to leave the marriage, leave the house and here some chick comes along, he treats her wonderfully, everyone in his family treats me like I am an asshole and I continue to get beaten up emotionally. I am angry that I HAD to leave the marriage or my soul would have died, it was dying, and yet SO many peolpe blame me for leaving, treat me like "what are you upset about, you wanted the divorce, what did you expect?" I didn't leave because I WANTED to - I HAD TO. I had been cheated on two years after I was married, I had been controlled so passive-agressively that 99% of the people did not see it. It mostly happened when no one was looking. He was great at that. He knows how to manipulate and doesn't take reponsibility for it nor does he even recognize his problem. I've continued seeing a counselor (until a couple of months ago) and he will never go - why? he still thinks it's ALL ME. He always will. I've begged him to apologize, to take responsibility for all the rotten things he said to me - as if this will make me feel better somehow. But he insists that "I said a couple of things in the end but was I really that bad? What did I really do that was so bad?" He made think I was CRAZY!!!!!!!! I still feel crazy. He says things so matter-of -fact that I start to question if I am the one being the jerk, is he right and I am just a big loser? Maybe my kids are better off without me. I am a terrible person. This is how VERBAL ABUSE works. This is how so many women stay in bad relationships because you get so trapped in all the casual "comments" that keep you down. You begin to question yourself. Especially if he has a larger, stronger support network than you. He even tried to take that from me. He would try to convince me that the people who were trying to help me and keep me strong were losers. "what does she know, she's divorced herself. She's bitter. you better watch whom you seek advice from. You fight with everyone.. it's all you, you have a problem with everyone... then it was My christian friends... blah blah... the church... blah blah.. Jesus doesn't want this for us.. blah blah... you know - according to the bible, you can not get married again if you get divorced. You have a RIGHT since there was infidelity but it says you can not remarry. " oh MY God..... are you kidding? are you actually saying this to me? I was so turned off from church at that point because of him. He convinced me that I was not worthy of being in church. I am an intelligent person... some have said well beyond many they know. Yet, I got pulled in.. pulled down. So far down that every little comment he has made over the past three years is a "belief" of mine now - not necessarily rational - but he pulled me down far enough, opened up the wounds deep enough, to pour all his garbage in... and I sit here, in tears STILL after all these years of crying, trying to get the garbage OUT. I am to the point of of just throwing tantrums like a child who can't get the toy he wants and he wants it sooo bad that he will do anything to get it. Nothing is working - I just throw emotional tantrums hoping I can cry out all the garbage... cry out all of the hurt. I cry hoping someone will come along and just save me. but no one can. It's between me, myself and God. No one can fix this but me.

BUT... as a single mom.. how do you FIX IT with less TIME than ever, less FINANCIAL RESOURCES than ever, obligations to kids and trying to keep their life as normal as possible.. time for friends, boyfriends, time for me... how does a person do it. I chose the divorce.. what about the people who had this srpung on them when they woke up one day? they think everything is fine and then BOOM, your whole world crashes down on you when they pack their bags and leave. AT LEAST that was not the case for me. However, when people see you as the VICTIMIZER - the one who filed - and not the victim - the one who did not choose it - in a divorce.... God help you. It is a huge cross to bear. Either way, it is hard. As hard as nearly any crisis in life - death of a child, death of a spouse, yet divorce gets brushed under the rug and talked about only when necessary. It's "common" just as cancer has become "common, " therefore people have become desensitized. The compassion is lacking. The suicide rate during and after divorce is huge yet we continue to ignore it. When does it get talked about? when?
God grant me peace today.. I still have to work later, take care of kids and work in my son's classroom as he cried when I said I could't come today. So I suck it up again... get it together, get a babysitter for my daughter for one hour and go work in the classroom. It's bad enough his parents are divorced... I can't be depressed too. It's not his fault. God I love them

to my fellow divorced person or parent...
Wishing me and you wisdom and strength..


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Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Aftermath of Divorce. Funerals of Former In-Laws and Verbal Abuse

Here I sit eating Ben & Jerry's Fudge Brownie ice cream trying to self medicate.

My former mother-in-law past away about a week and a half ago. Out of respect for her and my father-in-law, I attended the first viewing. This had to be one of the worst experiences of my life.

For 45 minutes, which felt like hours, I cried, first over her then out of total humiliation. Relatives of the family, friends of the family, whom used to greet me with open arms, all treated me as if I was not welcome there. They ignored me or gave me dirty looks or looked right past me.

A couple of people caught my eye and tried to retreat in another direction but when caught in the flow of traffic, they were forced to come my way and talk to me. I had not seen them since their daughter-in-law/sister-in-law decided to drop me as a friend for reasons I still do not understand. Wisely so, they did not mention her or the "fight."

One relative, out of 20, did walk over and acknowledged ME for MY loss. The loss of the person I referred to as mom for over a decade. He actually asked me how I was doing? and then asked if I was married yet.. to which I responded "God no, once bitten, twice shy." He said it as if he knew the answer was yes as if maybe he had heard a rumor, which would not be surprising in that family, that I left my husband for someone else and would obviously be married. I was not offended by him, in fact, I was very impressed that he treated me like a human being who has pain just as the others in the room did. I will never forget his kindness and authenticity in caring about my feelings.

My former father-in-law was genuinely thankful that I had attended. That was what mattered. I needed to say goodbye to her too. I think she thought very poorly of me in the end and I was bitter about many things with her as well but it was important to say goodbye. Being at that viewing just made me realize that I am no longer part of that family, which my in-laws always reassured me that I would be.

No decent pictures of me were up on the boards of over 100 pictures. I was at so many of the events that the pictures depicted but they skillfully found those that I was not in, I often took the pictures.. maybe because I never thought I fit in. OR maybe because Gene never"cleaved" to his wife. Never.

I was often told I couldn't say anything because I might hurt my mother-in-law's feelings. She was always fragile but yet all I ever heard was how "strong" she was. I spoke my mind a little too often and she made "comments" but always TRIED to stay nuetral, but only if her husband was around.. interesting...

My "opionions" were me just "butting in" because I cared. When she kept telling me she was passing out at the pool, didn't eat all day and maybe had a two bites of something at night and then saved her eating for the weekend... I was concerned. When she would drink - and not eat - which was a regular occurence, she would say crazy things to me, and when I finally broke down in tears to my now Ex, he said something to his dad about her - maybe she was anorexic and she needed help.

Well, little did I know that she would hold it against me for years to come. 7 years later she "passive aggressively" - she was a passive agressive PRO - she made a crack about me saying she was anorexic. It was obvious to me at that moment that my gut feeling about her feelings for me, were accurate.

I did not trust my gut so many times in that NIGHTMARE marriage. I always felt like I was being talked about by my sister-in-law and her friends. Her sister-in-law was WAY more in the family than I - the daughter-in-law- was. It was hard to take. It used to rip me apart inside. I could tell stories for days as to how on the "outside circle" I was.

What was even more painful, which I've let go of now, was the fact that "sue" my former sister-in-law dropped me like a bad habit after the divorce - not 100% at first, but now for sure. BUT the part that kills me is that when my Ex was dating this girl, "lisa,"before me for 8+ years, she stuck around after they broke up. She was still "sue's" friend. She was invited to parties, she hung around the friends still... it caused me and my Ex soo much trouble. I felt like I was not accepted and Sue was not that nice to me for the first couple of years we were married. I still have not figured that one out?? But then we became good friends.

Sue continued inviting "lisa" to the family parties, we ended up inviting her to our wedding out of feeling like it didn't bother us! Lisa still sent cards to my in-laws, my ex even cried over her after running into her at the bar one night. Here she was, his ex-girlfriend, and everyone welcomed with open arms in front of me long after we had been a serious couple... I tried really hard to make the best of it, but now looking back, I wish I had said something. I did say plenty to my Ex about her and that it was hard for me to constantly be around her but he never put his foot down. IF ONLY, he had stuck up for me, for US, from the beginning and said "you know Sue, I can't control who you are friends with, but it's hard for me and my wife to continue being around my Lisa so if you are going to continue to invite her to everything, we will not be attending." IF that would have been the kind of man he was, I think we would still be married.

I got walked on in my marriage and the more I said nothing, the more it overwhelmed me.. which then came bubbling out and it seemed as if I was an opinionated bitch after while I think. I was simply frustrated. How is it that I was part of the family for 12 years and I am not invited to anything now, but his ex-girlfriend was invited to every functionLONG after the break-up. His new girlfriend will never have to experience what I went through because I will never be at the parties making her uncomfortable, making her feel like an outsider, making her feel unaccepted by the family. How lucky is she. THey will think she is great, because he now has learned, I hope, to stand by the woman he chooses. Not leave her for the wolves. I am still bitter. I wish I could say I am all healed. It has only been a year since the divorce was final but I am desperate to move past it all.

When my dad was dying, I stayed up all night with him for nearly a week straight, rubbing his feet, rubbing his head, trying to get him to sleep, be comfortable for as long as he could be, whether minutes or hours. I was exhausted. I had been working 60-80 hours a week right before I flew down to be with him. So years later I find out what my gut was telling me for so long, My now Ex was with another woman, getting his penis sucked. Sorry for the Crudeness, but it is fact. He was "sleeping over" with another woman. Intercourse, I will never know. Since my dad died in Louisiana and we were all here in MI., I had a "memorial" service for him at my home. Well, the woman he was having an affair with showed up.

So when my ex was dealing with the funeral of his mother, I should have been more compassionate. I was told I should bite my lip and help him even though he was being ridiculous with changing the schedule for the kids everytime I blinked... well even though I should have been nice, I was very bitter. I was bitter because of the affair and his lack of support in my dad's funeral, because of all the rotten things she insinuated about me, I say insinuated because she was "passive aggressive." She could say many things without actually saying the words. Her son learned well. He used this little skill my entire marriage. I still don't know what to do with all the feelings. They just eat at me everyday of my life.

The words he spoke to me the day before I filed "you're a worthless piece of junk." proceeded by spitting on the floor and saying "that's what I think of you," these simple words, JUST WORDS, did more harm than anything he could have physically done to me. I wish he would have hit me, at least I would have concrete proof that he abused me. There were so many things said but I will save them for another entry down the road. I have so much emotion to speak of, so many incidents that I wish to get out of my soul and put out into the world, via internet or whatever other source that allows me to let go of it. I want to grow, to move forward.

Thank GOD I am with a patient and loving man who allows me to feel safe. I never came close to feeling as loved or loving my ex the way I love Jonathan. I am so blessed. I hope the tears and the anger and the pain subside over time. I have great talents that need to be used. God has given me these talents and we should always do the best with whatever God grants us. God give me the strength to find the peace within. I love you Jonathan. I love you "my favorite boy" and "my favorite girl." you are all the reason I live.

Peace and goodnight.


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Wishes for a Soulful Woman

My hope is that someday you can have the perspective to understand how others view you. When you walk into a room, your energy and beauty ripples throughout.

You are a truly amazing, insightful, loving and wonderful woman. You are destined for great things and worthy of true love.

Someday you shall see, that you are a true American beauty through and through. Until then and forever, I am here to remind you, love you, honor you and care for you.

Love,

Jonathan