A night of tears

It's been so long since I've written. I hope I can make some changes this year, which include blogging daily. I am lying on my couch, in the dark, crying yet again over a relationship ending. This is becoming a reoccuring ceremony if my life. Since I've been divorced, I've had three painful breakups, well four if you count the two times I've broken up with Jonathan. I've laid on my couch and cried off and on. As soon as the tears stop, I think of something else that reminds me of the happy times, the loss, the pain, the fear, the lonliness .....and then the tears start all over. It has taken me close to three years to end this on again /off again relationship. Engaged for two years of that time, I have given the ring back several times. Today I read old love notes - or love emails to be exact - that J sent me in the first year we were together. He wrote things such as "I want to lay next to you for the rest of my life," or "you are the love of my life" or "Your support and kind words were amazingly helpful. I have a strength and confidence about me that I have never had in my whole life. I loved when you told me that you were there for me this morning." or this one..

"I am feeling that there is a massive amount of change going on in my life. The change actually makes me feel much more settled and warm and fuzzy. Nevertheless, it is still change and I can feel it going on.

My priorities are changing
My daily routine is changed
My focused has changed

Interestingly with the change comes a great sense of contentment. There are many things over the last 3 months that would have thrown me into a tailspin. Somehow with you in my life, I seem to pull up myself by my boot straps and avoid falling into depression.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

You are greatly appreciated. Keep up the great work. I hope I can do the same for you."

Reading them makes me cry as I remember the overwhelming love I used to feel for him. But the theme in so many of the "love notes" was "me helping him." I am exhausted. Granted, he helped me too in a lot of ways.. mostly by being my pal around person, helping me with the kids, buying me all the things I wanted to feel normal - like furniture (had none after leaving my marriage) or a washer and dryer or today, some new clothes (since none of my pants fit with the 15lb weight gain I've experienced since getting back together with J) He would buy me almost anything. I didn't ask for a lot and often turned down his lavish offerings of amazing trips and expensive things. We did take a lot of mini trips with the kids and I am so grateful. But what most do not know is that, we made a pact in the beginning of our engagement that we would not start planning a wedding until he paid off this, what seemed to me to be, a lot of debt, loans, credit card bills, etc. I was NOT going to enter into a marriage in debt. Money is surely an issue with me. Especially not having it or taking on someone else's lack of responsibility in this area. Or in j's case, his "sacrifice" for his dad and a dream of being an entrepreneur- which has recently seemed to come to fruition as his business "is going to work" (which I've heard 500 times in three years, generally resulting in no paycheck actually - but I stuck by him anyway. ) And now, when he may finally pay off those bills, loans, etc, now that I could have financial security, NOW I walk away? NOW when I could do and have almost anything I could want monetarily? NOW in hard economic times, with bills I can't afford, two kids and a house that I freeze in because I am scared of another $300 heating bill? NOW I LEAVE? I sometimes think I am crazy.. and that is true too.. because when I am around J and his "passive agressive behavior" I feel like I am crazy. I would get so frustrated with him dismissing everything I said, or being detached or saying things like "whatever" or "no problem" with a little snotty lilt in his voice but yet his body language said something TOTALLY different.. the thing is, it's so subtle, you can't call him out on it! Or the way he was always a victime with his friends and family.. he needed so badly to be "saved" and would often tell me how I saved him. Until I was the enemy, then he ran to his brother Tyler (who now won't speak to me and has been the lat five nails in the coffin in our relationship ending) or he would to his mom, whom he regularly said he despised.. wanted-to-see-her-dead kind of despise... and told her EVERYTHING about what I had DONE TO HIM. How I had looked at his phone and didn't trust him and on and on and on. I looked at his phone because he had lied to me so many times that I became paranoid, obssessed with finding the truth so I could settle into this relationship with the person I loved or move on and let it go! He would often have these women around whom he talked with. lunched with,....and one time I noticed he called one of them several times that day for several minutes each time. Then I asked him about it, asked if I could see his phone and he said no. He then somehow managed to delete all of her calls from her phone list and then showed me the phone.. when I asked him if he had talked to anne (which I already knew he had) he said no. This resulted in a fight. It was all my fault of course because he only acted that way because I didn't trust him. There may be trugh to that but I won't take all the blame on this one. So J then proceeded to call his closest girl "Friend" and his mother and tell them everything.. blaming me for looking at his phone, not trusting him. This is only one of many, many half truths and lies he told throughout our relationship. Now who's to blame? I should never have been checking his phone, I should trust him right? Sure.. I agree... however, when the lies began and I accidentally discovered the lies in the first month we were together, and they are about a woman, and you're divorced due in part to infidelity, it is really hard to trust someone once the lies begin. I knew when I broke up with him in that first month and then he talked me into coming back, I would regret it. I can't say I regret my relationship as I've learned many lessons, grown in many ways, changed in my thinking.. but I regret not choosing ME. I acted on what I belive now was high regard for my SELF when I initially broke up with him the first time but then in wanting so badly to have a loving relationship, I overlooked my boundaries and stayed.

The first fight was over his lies regarding Loretta - his love affair prior to me - whom he cheated with on his girlfriend Lauren. Little did she know. Loretta is manipulative as hell and I knew it the MOMENT i met her. Lauren. his live in girlfriend of two years prior to me, had similar reactions but J is great at making you think its' your fault.. you're "insecure." So...no matter what Lauren did, according to the stories I heard, she couldn't win. J made her feel like it was HER when HE was the one having an emotional, then physical affair on her. I have no judgement of affairs, things happen to the best of people.... no one would ever believe they would do such a thing until you are backed against a wall, being degraded, verbally abused in a relationship. Someone comes along who is kind and you fall. Just like that. you fight it and fight it and eventually the strongest of people give in. I've seen it happen countless times. Society is very unforgiving of affairs however. I do not condemn Jonathan for falling for this woman with an amazing body...she is itelligent, succesful, odler, and just as manipultive as j. I resentfully speak of her... "Loretta." I had to pass her house on the way to his for almost three years and I don't know if I ever got over my resentment. She was the beginning of the end of our relationship ONE MONTH into it. One month! She lied to me when I called her. I lost respect for her the moment I discovered this. He finally admitted they were intimate. He lied to me too at first but eventually confessed. This was only the beginning of the women. The women around him subsided after many conversations, fights, tears and confessions about a year or so into the relationship, but I think I knew it was never going to work.

Fast forward nearly three years later... We just returned from a trip up north with friends. We were actually broken up but did not want to bail on friends we practically begged to join us. We had a blast. I had a blast. Jonathan pulled some of his usual .. and this time people noticed. Thank GOD! They see the nice guy version. I get the angry, talks of killing people, depressed, detached, dismissive, passive-agressive, non-loyal, mood swingy, snoring, eats like he has eaten in a week, worst part of jonathan at home. Everyone else gets the amazing jonathan, the confident (arrogant) jonathan, the nice- play-with-the-kids j, help you out by loaning you my computer, help you find a job Jonathan. I get the worst part. He was awful to me the last couple of days. He said awful things and then apologized and asked if he could come home (I asked for my house keys back), then was a total "prick" as he put it, then asking me if he could staywith me. He insults me, degrades me then asks if he can stay. TYPICAL cycle. Typical. I have said some choice things to him over the past three years. I am not proud of losing my cool. However, I was ALWAYS fighting for US. I wanted it to work so badly that I would let him cross boundaries and then get frustrated about it. Yell, not to scare him, I am just passionate and SIMPLY talk loud when I am upset. He heard EVERYTHING as yelling. He heard EVERYTHING as criticism. I said nice things. He said I never did. Why? His brain only knows how to compute the negative, store it, get depressed, then get angry, then blow up. I said nice things a lot.. he never heard me. I have since learned that his behaviors are subconscious. However, it's abusive. My self esteem, my self worth, my sense of what is healthy in a relationship is muddled. I still have confidence and I know I am strong but it's all foggy at the moment. I look foward to the storm lifting. I often run songs through my head, being the musician that I am. "Jesus take the wheel", "I can see clearly now the rain is gone," " I shall believe." "I'm walkin on sunshine," "let it be me" and on and on and on. I only hope the next person in my life likes music. I've missed music since I've been with J. I've missed dancing, laughing, touching.. .I've missed doing races with my partner.. road races, bike races, anything! I do them, alone or with a friend. He stands on the sidelines and cheers and then runs off to eat breakfast somewhere until I finish. I think that's ok if that's what couples choose but I WANT a guy I can share those things with. I want so much more than I have right now. And come hell or high water, I will get it. Signing off for now. XOXO to me.