Reflections of a Soulful Woman

The long and winding journey to reclaim my soul. Stories of life, love, loss, breakups, divorce, epiphanies, depression, hope, dreams

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Let it be

So he says he loves the kids. He says this is the hardest part of the breakup. That he will stay in touch and what does do.. disappears. No calls in spite of my sons plea for a call, that he loves him.. he does not return the call but wow... he sends a postcard. Detached, incapable of truly loving another. Makes you believe he loves you.. says it, writes it - over and over. Actions do not match the rhetoric... pure rhetoric. When do I learn? A most interesting prospect on the horizon.. leave the bad memories behind. He wanted to bring me down. He spreads rumors about me... I speak kindly. It all comes out in the wash. The cream always rises. Keep my mouth shut. Only time will tell. The kids will forget him the more he stays away... that must be what he wants so let it be. Let it be, let it be, there will be an answer, let it be. 

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Poem - Healing

Time spent with those I love 

Or time gone awry

The decision a gamble

The gamble a loss

For tonight I simply try

I hang my head

I hold my breath

Ducking to hide

To breathe, to cry

To make it through

I tell myself

Someday I will fly


Time moves slowly

I Stand alone

 Humility forced upon me

Mind reeling with despair

Return with the mask

Return with the shield

Laugh, smile,

Pretend to have fun


Walking away,

Head held high

At last, safe

At last, alone

Vulnerable tears, burning tears

Deep from within

Recovery slows,

Hurt shows

Pain flows

In time….. HEALING

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Sunday, February 15, 2009


Why do breakups always have to be so hard? I was with someone for nearly three years and though I feel pretty good, at least once a day, a surge of heartbreak bubbles up from deep within my soul and comes out in the form of tears. It hurts for just a moment.  Then I am relieved and can move on for the time being. I just want life to fall into place. I went to see a channeler recently. It was an amazing, life-altering experience. My life is about to change drastically. I can hardly wait. I want my happy life to start NOW. I have so many happy times, experiences that I can say most people would only dream of experiencing. I have been so blessed in so many ways and tortured in so many others. My latest relationship which was nearly three years long, engagement ring and all ended with him treating me like I a loser. Telling me to kiss his ass. That was far from the worst thing he said over the course of the last few months. I am so fed up with men talking to me poorly. He had me believing, just as my ex-husband did, that it was me. I was the problem. Though I realize there was something in me that allowed them to convince me of that.. that allowed me to attract someone like them! I have learned. I have learned so much. I believe that my next relationship is going to be amazing. My dream man whom I can't live without. I look forward to the brighter days ahead. 

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Sunday, February 01, 2009

passive agressive behavior, a form of covert abuse article

Passive Aggressive Behavior, a Form of Covert Abuse
By Cathy Meyer,
See More About:
passive aggressive behavior
abusive relationships
identifying abuseve Aggressive Behavior Defined:
Passive Aggressive behavior is a form of covert abuse. When someone hits you or yells at you, you know that you've been abused. It is obvious and easily identified. Covert abuse is subtle and veiled or disguised by actions that appear to be normal, at times loving and caring. The passive aggressive person is a master at covert abuse.
Passive aggressive behavior stems from an inability to express anger in a healthy way. A person's feelings may be so repressed that they don't even realize they are angry or feeling resentment. A passive aggressive can drive people around him/her crazy and seem sincerely dismayed when confronted with their behavior. Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive aggressive often feels that others misunderstand them or, are holding them to unreasonable standards if they are confronted about their behavior.
Common Passive Aggressive Behaviors:
Ambiguity: I think of the proverb, "Actions speak louder than words" when it comes to the passive aggressive and how ambiguous they can be. They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. The best judge of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act. Normally they don't act until after they've caused some kind of stress by their ambiguous way of communicating.
Forgetfulness: The passive aggressive avoids responsibility by "forgetting." How convenient is that? There is no easier way to punish someone than forgetting that lunch date or your birthday or, better yet, an anniversary.
Blaming: They are never responsible for their actions. If you aren't to blame then it is something that happened at work, the traffic on the way home or the slow clerk at the convenience store. The passive aggressive has no faults, it is everyone around him/her who has faults and they must be punished for those faults.
Lack of Anger: He/she may never express anger. There are some who are happy with whatever you want. On the outside anyway! The passive aggressive may have been taught, as a child, that anger is unacceptable. Hence they go through life stuffing their anger, being accommodating and then sticking it to you in an under-handed way.
Fear of Dependency: From Scott Wetlzer, author of Living With The Passive Aggressive Man. "Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn't depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support."
Fear of Intimacy: The passive aggressive often can't trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone. A passive aggressive will have sex with you but they rarely make love to you. If they feel themselves becoming attached, they may punish you by withholding sex.
Obstructionism: Do you want something from your passive aggressive spouse? If so, get ready to wait for it or maybe even never get it. It is important to him/her that you don,t get your way. He/she will act as if giving you what you want is important to them but, rarely will he/she follow through with giving it. It is very confusing to have someone appear to want to give to you but never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking too much which is exactly what he/she wants to you to feel.
Victimization: The passive aggressive feels they are treated unfairly. If you get upset because he or she is constantly late, they take offense because; in their mind, it was someone else's fault that they were late. He/she is always the innocent victim of your unreasonable expectations, an over-bearing boss or that slow clerk at the convenience store.
Procrastination: The passive aggressive person believes that deadlines are for everyone but them. They do things on their own time schedule and be damned anyone who expects differently from them.
The Passive Aggressive and You:
The passive aggressive needs to have a relationship with someone who can be the object of his or her hostility. They need someone whose expectations and demands he/she can resist. A passive aggressive is usually attracted to co-dependents, people with low self-esteem and those who find it easy to make excuses for other's bad behaviors.
The biggest frustration in being with a passive aggressive is that they never follow through on agreements and promises. He/she will dodge responsibility for anything in the relationship while at the same time making it look as if he/she is pulling his/her own weight and is a very loving partner. The sad thing is, you can be made to believe that you are loved and adored by a person who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone.
The passive aggressive ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical.


A night of tears

It's been so long since I've written. I hope I can make some changes this year, which include blogging daily. I am lying on my couch, in the dark, crying yet again over a relationship ending. This is becoming a reoccuring ceremony if my life. Since I've been divorced, I've had three painful breakups, well four if you count the two times I've broken up with Jonathan. I've laid on my couch and cried off and on. As soon as the tears stop, I think of something else that reminds me of the happy times, the loss, the pain, the fear, the lonliness .....and then the tears start all over. It has taken me close to three years to end this on again /off again relationship. Engaged for two years of that time, I have given the ring back several times. Today I read old love notes - or love emails to be exact - that J sent me in the first year we were together. He wrote things such as "I want to lay next to you for the rest of my life," or "you are the love of my life" or "Your support and kind words were amazingly helpful. I have a strength and confidence about me that I have never had in my whole life. I loved when you told me that you were there for me this morning." or this one..

"I am feeling that there is a massive amount of change going on in my life. The change actually makes me feel much more settled and warm and fuzzy. Nevertheless, it is still change and I can feel it going on.

My priorities are changing
My daily routine is changed
My focused has changed

Interestingly with the change comes a great sense of contentment. There are many things over the last 3 months that would have thrown me into a tailspin. Somehow with you in my life, I seem to pull up myself by my boot straps and avoid falling into depression.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

You are greatly appreciated. Keep up the great work. I hope I can do the same for you."

Reading them makes me cry as I remember the overwhelming love I used to feel for him. But the theme in so many of the "love notes" was "me helping him." I am exhausted. Granted, he helped me too in a lot of ways.. mostly by being my pal around person, helping me with the kids, buying me all the things I wanted to feel normal - like furniture (had none after leaving my marriage) or a washer and dryer or today, some new clothes (since none of my pants fit with the 15lb weight gain I've experienced since getting back together with J) He would buy me almost anything. I didn't ask for a lot and often turned down his lavish offerings of amazing trips and expensive things. We did take a lot of mini trips with the kids and I am so grateful. But what most do not know is that, we made a pact in the beginning of our engagement that we would not start planning a wedding until he paid off this, what seemed to me to be, a lot of debt, loans, credit card bills, etc. I was NOT going to enter into a marriage in debt. Money is surely an issue with me. Especially not having it or taking on someone else's lack of responsibility in this area. Or in j's case, his "sacrifice" for his dad and a dream of being an entrepreneur- which has recently seemed to come to fruition as his business "is going to work" (which I've heard 500 times in three years, generally resulting in no paycheck actually - but I stuck by him anyway. ) And now, when he may finally pay off those bills, loans, etc, now that I could have financial security, NOW I walk away? NOW when I could do and have almost anything I could want monetarily? NOW in hard economic times, with bills I can't afford, two kids and a house that I freeze in because I am scared of another $300 heating bill? NOW I LEAVE? I sometimes think I am crazy.. and that is true too.. because when I am around J and his "passive agressive behavior" I feel like I am crazy. I would get so frustrated with him dismissing everything I said, or being detached or saying things like "whatever" or "no problem" with a little snotty lilt in his voice but yet his body language said something TOTALLY different.. the thing is, it's so subtle, you can't call him out on it! Or the way he was always a victime with his friends and family.. he needed so badly to be "saved" and would often tell me how I saved him. Until I was the enemy, then he ran to his brother Tyler (who now won't speak to me and has been the lat five nails in the coffin in our relationship ending) or he would to his mom, whom he regularly said he despised.. wanted-to-see-her-dead kind of despise... and told her EVERYTHING about what I had DONE TO HIM. How I had looked at his phone and didn't trust him and on and on and on. I looked at his phone because he had lied to me so many times that I became paranoid, obssessed with finding the truth so I could settle into this relationship with the person I loved or move on and let it go! He would often have these women around whom he talked with. lunched with,....and one time I noticed he called one of them several times that day for several minutes each time. Then I asked him about it, asked if I could see his phone and he said no. He then somehow managed to delete all of her calls from her phone list and then showed me the phone.. when I asked him if he had talked to anne (which I already knew he had) he said no. This resulted in a fight. It was all my fault of course because he only acted that way because I didn't trust him. There may be trugh to that but I won't take all the blame on this one. So J then proceeded to call his closest girl "Friend" and his mother and tell them everything.. blaming me for looking at his phone, not trusting him. This is only one of many, many half truths and lies he told throughout our relationship. Now who's to blame? I should never have been checking his phone, I should trust him right? Sure.. I agree... however, when the lies began and I accidentally discovered the lies in the first month we were together, and they are about a woman, and you're divorced due in part to infidelity, it is really hard to trust someone once the lies begin. I knew when I broke up with him in that first month and then he talked me into coming back, I would regret it. I can't say I regret my relationship as I've learned many lessons, grown in many ways, changed in my thinking.. but I regret not choosing ME. I acted on what I belive now was high regard for my SELF when I initially broke up with him the first time but then in wanting so badly to have a loving relationship, I overlooked my boundaries and stayed.

The first fight was over his lies regarding Loretta - his love affair prior to me - whom he cheated with on his girlfriend Lauren. Little did she know. Loretta is manipulative as hell and I knew it the MOMENT i met her. Lauren. his live in girlfriend of two years prior to me, had similar reactions but J is great at making you think its' your fault.. you're "insecure." matter what Lauren did, according to the stories I heard, she couldn't win. J made her feel like it was HER when HE was the one having an emotional, then physical affair on her. I have no judgement of affairs, things happen to the best of people.... no one would ever believe they would do such a thing until you are backed against a wall, being degraded, verbally abused in a relationship. Someone comes along who is kind and you fall. Just like that. you fight it and fight it and eventually the strongest of people give in. I've seen it happen countless times. Society is very unforgiving of affairs however. I do not condemn Jonathan for falling for this woman with an amazing body...she is itelligent, succesful, odler, and just as manipultive as j. I resentfully speak of her... "Loretta." I had to pass her house on the way to his for almost three years and I don't know if I ever got over my resentment. She was the beginning of the end of our relationship ONE MONTH into it. One month! She lied to me when I called her. I lost respect for her the moment I discovered this. He finally admitted they were intimate. He lied to me too at first but eventually confessed. This was only the beginning of the women. The women around him subsided after many conversations, fights, tears and confessions about a year or so into the relationship, but I think I knew it was never going to work.

Fast forward nearly three years later... We just returned from a trip up north with friends. We were actually broken up but did not want to bail on friends we practically begged to join us. We had a blast. I had a blast. Jonathan pulled some of his usual .. and this time people noticed. Thank GOD! They see the nice guy version. I get the angry, talks of killing people, depressed, detached, dismissive, passive-agressive, non-loyal, mood swingy, snoring, eats like he has eaten in a week, worst part of jonathan at home. Everyone else gets the amazing jonathan, the confident (arrogant) jonathan, the nice- play-with-the-kids j, help you out by loaning you my computer, help you find a job Jonathan. I get the worst part. He was awful to me the last couple of days. He said awful things and then apologized and asked if he could come home (I asked for my house keys back), then was a total "prick" as he put it, then asking me if he could staywith me. He insults me, degrades me then asks if he can stay. TYPICAL cycle. Typical. I have said some choice things to him over the past three years. I am not proud of losing my cool. However, I was ALWAYS fighting for US. I wanted it to work so badly that I would let him cross boundaries and then get frustrated about it. Yell, not to scare him, I am just passionate and SIMPLY talk loud when I am upset. He heard EVERYTHING as yelling. He heard EVERYTHING as criticism. I said nice things. He said I never did. Why? His brain only knows how to compute the negative, store it, get depressed, then get angry, then blow up. I said nice things a lot.. he never heard me. I have since learned that his behaviors are subconscious. However, it's abusive. My self esteem, my self worth, my sense of what is healthy in a relationship is muddled. I still have confidence and I know I am strong but it's all foggy at the moment. I look foward to the storm lifting. I often run songs through my head, being the musician that I am. "Jesus take the wheel", "I can see clearly now the rain is gone," " I shall believe." "I'm walkin on sunshine," "let it be me" and on and on and on. I only hope the next person in my life likes music. I've missed music since I've been with J. I've missed dancing, laughing, touching.. .I've missed doing races with my partner.. road races, bike races, anything! I do them, alone or with a friend. He stands on the sidelines and cheers and then runs off to eat breakfast somewhere until I finish. I think that's ok if that's what couples choose but I WANT a guy I can share those things with. I want so much more than I have right now. And come hell or high water, I will get it. Signing off for now. XOXO to me.

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Sunday, November 12, 2006


I sit here on a sunny but cold November Sunday afternoon wishing I could just go to sleep and not have to ever wake up. I am tired and depressed. Why today? Where does this depression come from? I felt fine yesterday morning. I am ok when I am busy, especially doing things I really enjoy but throw one little wrench into the works or make me sit by myself thinking for too long and I am done for. I find myself having to force a smile, to get the energy or motivation to do anything at all.
I am lonely. I feel judged, misunderstood and taken for granted on a regular basis. I can't figure out if I offend and hurt people all the time or if these kind of things that go on with relationships occur all the time, I just happen to be extra sensitive to them compared to most. I am dying today because I feel like i made a mistake in getting a divorce. I don't want to be with him but maybe I should have tried harder. Maybe I should have moved out for a while instead of going to the divorce point. Maybe maybe maybe. I don't like the feeling that my sister-in-law doesn't talk to me anymore, the my own brother and his wife, as dysfunctional as they may be, don't even try to have a relationship with me but they do with gene. I am overwhelmed and sad. I want to see my kids more. I want to feel happy. I want to feel peace within my soul so that I don't care what others think. I need to have really good guidance in how to do those things. Not sure where to turn. Not sure where the money comes from to do those things. Not sure where to add more to my busy schedule - but maybe those are all excuses. I miss my friends. Frienships are really changing and it's hard to let go. I have to face the fact that people grow apart. People have different interests. It's just hard to let go when there are so many years invested. It's hard to start again with new friends that you've known for a year or two even though they are so much more involved in my kids lives than most of my best friends.. but i hate change when it comes to relationships. I hate it! It depresses me and it scares me. Maybe because my family unit is so very weak and my friends have always stepped into that role. Maybe it's too much of a burden on them. I've always felt like a burden. Will that ever end?
For now, I try to get myself out of bed every morning, do what I have to do and hope for better days ahead. One step at a time, one day at a time and BREATHE.

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Monday, October 23, 2006

divorce and suicide


One recent study by the National Institute for Healthcare Research in Rockville, MD indicates that divorced people are three times as likely to commit suicide as people who are married. The Institute says that divorce now ranks as the number one factor linked with suicide rates in major U.S. cities, ranking above all other physical, financial, and psychological factors.
A study of 13 European countries by the regional European office of the World Health Organization found that divorce was the only factor linked with suicide in every one of the 13 countries. The study showed that factors like poverty, unemployment, and disability were associated with divorce in some of the countries but that disruption of the family was the only factor linked with divorce in all 13.

Anecdotally, the coroner of Butler County, Ohio told UPI in the late 80's that he thought the high rate of suicide in that area was traceable to men's inability to cope with divorce. Dr. Richard Burkhardt said he thought women were more likely to feel needed after divorce because they needed to take care of children. But men, he said, felt cut off from their role as head of the household and felt they had no reason to live.
Statistically, women are more likely to attempt suicide, but men are more likely to succeed. Suicide is more likely among men over age 65, among young people, among disabled people, and among people in lower socio-economic groups.


The most important and most alarming sign of suicide is in the words people use. Here are some of the statements people might make or joke about as they contemplate suicide:
"I think it's time to end it all."
"I think I may just check out,"
"I don't think I can take this any more."
"Life isn't worthwhile" or "Life isn't worth living anymore."
"Life stinks and I'm tired of it."
"I sometimes just want to die."
And sometimes the statements are less direct:
"Sometimes I just want to sleep forever."
"They'll be sorry when I'm gone."
"I'm so worthless."
"I think the pain will be over soon."
"Life is more complicated for everybody because of me."
People are at greater risk to commit suicide if they have a close friend or family member who has committed suicide. They are at far greater risk to commit suicide if they have tried to do it before.


the Bitterness of the ex's "new girlfriend"

Here I sit in my barren room, one piece of furniture picked from a curbside which I unsuccessfully tried to refinish, still no drawer handles, one piece donated to me by a close friend and one piece that I bought at my brother's garage sale several years ago for $20 and was prompted to throw away by the people who moved it TWICE in the past year - but I kept it. I did manage to leave with the $200 comforter that I am currently laying on - and it feels nice at least. I sit here in my tiny little rental home and though I am TRULY thankful to have a roof over my head, food in the fridge and healthy children- though I am home with my sick 4 year old today - I am thankful I am ok in general. However, I am still bitter. When I stopped by my ex's house this past weekend, on my way up to a fun filled Cub Scout camping- tenting - trip - 40 degree wather and lots of rain - still had fun, anyway ! so...when I went to the ex's to drop off the clothes that were HIS - the kids clothes that belong to him - there was a car in the driveway. MY driveway. I rang the door bell several times, getting satisfaction out of bothering him and his new friend - the one that met EVERYONE at his mom's funeral. He would not answer the door but I would not give up there. I went to the back door where MY french doors in the kitchen were not covered with window treatments and knowing him, they never will be. The kids came with me to the back door to see their dad. He finally came down, very red-faced. It was interesting to me that he is the "assistant coach" for his son's soccer team when it's convenient for him.... but now his son is not going to be at the game so suddenly he says " I didn't need to be there, I am just one of the "father helpers" like everyone else. " It is and always will be whatever is convenient for him as he is one of the most immature, slefish people I have ever met. So here he is, standing in the doorway, her long black boots on MY kitchen floor, two little wilting roses in a little jar vase on the kitchen table that's been in my family for decades and music blaring upstairs in my bedroom. I ask to meet her, he says no. At this point, my heart is racing. I've been having these dreams about her and what her name is. I finally get him to tell me her name is "kris" or "chris" or something. She has two little kids. He won't tell me anything about her and it just eats at me. I feel ... hmmm... I don't know how I feel. I feel angry. I am angry that I had to leave MY house because I couldn't afford to live there. I feel jealous that his family will like her better than me, that she may be prettier than I, that she may be way more successful than me, that she may be nicer than me... what if my kids like her better than me? God kill me if that ever happens... so here she is... having sex with my ex on MY bed, in MY room right next to the room where MY kids sleep. I DO NOT want him back - My God, he slowly abused me and killed a piece of my soul... but it kills me that I had to be the one to leave the marriage, leave the house and here some chick comes along, he treats her wonderfully, everyone in his family treats me like I am an asshole and I continue to get beaten up emotionally. I am angry that I HAD to leave the marriage or my soul would have died, it was dying, and yet SO many peolpe blame me for leaving, treat me like "what are you upset about, you wanted the divorce, what did you expect?" I didn't leave because I WANTED to - I HAD TO. I had been cheated on two years after I was married, I had been controlled so passive-agressively that 99% of the people did not see it. It mostly happened when no one was looking. He was great at that. He knows how to manipulate and doesn't take reponsibility for it nor does he even recognize his problem. I've continued seeing a counselor (until a couple of months ago) and he will never go - why? he still thinks it's ALL ME. He always will. I've begged him to apologize, to take responsibility for all the rotten things he said to me - as if this will make me feel better somehow. But he insists that "I said a couple of things in the end but was I really that bad? What did I really do that was so bad?" He made think I was CRAZY!!!!!!!! I still feel crazy. He says things so matter-of -fact that I start to question if I am the one being the jerk, is he right and I am just a big loser? Maybe my kids are better off without me. I am a terrible person. This is how VERBAL ABUSE works. This is how so many women stay in bad relationships because you get so trapped in all the casual "comments" that keep you down. You begin to question yourself. Especially if he has a larger, stronger support network than you. He even tried to take that from me. He would try to convince me that the people who were trying to help me and keep me strong were losers. "what does she know, she's divorced herself. She's bitter. you better watch whom you seek advice from. You fight with everyone.. it's all you, you have a problem with everyone... then it was My christian friends... blah blah... the church... blah blah.. Jesus doesn't want this for us.. blah blah... you know - according to the bible, you can not get married again if you get divorced. You have a RIGHT since there was infidelity but it says you can not remarry. " oh MY God..... are you kidding? are you actually saying this to me? I was so turned off from church at that point because of him. He convinced me that I was not worthy of being in church. I am an intelligent person... some have said well beyond many they know. Yet, I got pulled in.. pulled down. So far down that every little comment he has made over the past three years is a "belief" of mine now - not necessarily rational - but he pulled me down far enough, opened up the wounds deep enough, to pour all his garbage in... and I sit here, in tears STILL after all these years of crying, trying to get the garbage OUT. I am to the point of of just throwing tantrums like a child who can't get the toy he wants and he wants it sooo bad that he will do anything to get it. Nothing is working - I just throw emotional tantrums hoping I can cry out all the garbage... cry out all of the hurt. I cry hoping someone will come along and just save me. but no one can. It's between me, myself and God. No one can fix this but me.

BUT... as a single mom.. how do you FIX IT with less TIME than ever, less FINANCIAL RESOURCES than ever, obligations to kids and trying to keep their life as normal as possible.. time for friends, boyfriends, time for me... how does a person do it. I chose the divorce.. what about the people who had this srpung on them when they woke up one day? they think everything is fine and then BOOM, your whole world crashes down on you when they pack their bags and leave. AT LEAST that was not the case for me. However, when people see you as the VICTIMIZER - the one who filed - and not the victim - the one who did not choose it - in a divorce.... God help you. It is a huge cross to bear. Either way, it is hard. As hard as nearly any crisis in life - death of a child, death of a spouse, yet divorce gets brushed under the rug and talked about only when necessary. It's "common" just as cancer has become "common, " therefore people have become desensitized. The compassion is lacking. The suicide rate during and after divorce is huge yet we continue to ignore it. When does it get talked about? when?
God grant me peace today.. I still have to work later, take care of kids and work in my son's classroom as he cried when I said I could't come today. So I suck it up again... get it together, get a babysitter for my daughter for one hour and go work in the classroom. It's bad enough his parents are divorced... I can't be depressed too. It's not his fault. God I love them

to my fellow divorced person or parent...
Wishing me and you wisdom and strength..

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Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Aftermath of Divorce. Funerals of Former In-Laws and Verbal Abuse

Here I sit eating Ben & Jerry's Fudge Brownie ice cream trying to self medicate.

My former mother-in-law past away about a week and a half ago. Out of respect for her and my father-in-law, I attended the first viewing. This had to be one of the worst experiences of my life.

For 45 minutes, which felt like hours, I cried, first over her then out of total humiliation. Relatives of the family, friends of the family, whom used to greet me with open arms, all treated me as if I was not welcome there. They ignored me or gave me dirty looks or looked right past me.

A couple of people caught my eye and tried to retreat in another direction but when caught in the flow of traffic, they were forced to come my way and talk to me. I had not seen them since their daughter-in-law/sister-in-law decided to drop me as a friend for reasons I still do not understand. Wisely so, they did not mention her or the "fight."

One relative, out of 20, did walk over and acknowledged ME for MY loss. The loss of the person I referred to as mom for over a decade. He actually asked me how I was doing? and then asked if I was married yet.. to which I responded "God no, once bitten, twice shy." He said it as if he knew the answer was yes as if maybe he had heard a rumor, which would not be surprising in that family, that I left my husband for someone else and would obviously be married. I was not offended by him, in fact, I was very impressed that he treated me like a human being who has pain just as the others in the room did. I will never forget his kindness and authenticity in caring about my feelings.

My former father-in-law was genuinely thankful that I had attended. That was what mattered. I needed to say goodbye to her too. I think she thought very poorly of me in the end and I was bitter about many things with her as well but it was important to say goodbye. Being at that viewing just made me realize that I am no longer part of that family, which my in-laws always reassured me that I would be.

No decent pictures of me were up on the boards of over 100 pictures. I was at so many of the events that the pictures depicted but they skillfully found those that I was not in, I often took the pictures.. maybe because I never thought I fit in. OR maybe because Gene never"cleaved" to his wife. Never.

I was often told I couldn't say anything because I might hurt my mother-in-law's feelings. She was always fragile but yet all I ever heard was how "strong" she was. I spoke my mind a little too often and she made "comments" but always TRIED to stay nuetral, but only if her husband was around.. interesting...

My "opionions" were me just "butting in" because I cared. When she kept telling me she was passing out at the pool, didn't eat all day and maybe had a two bites of something at night and then saved her eating for the weekend... I was concerned. When she would drink - and not eat - which was a regular occurence, she would say crazy things to me, and when I finally broke down in tears to my now Ex, he said something to his dad about her - maybe she was anorexic and she needed help.

Well, little did I know that she would hold it against me for years to come. 7 years later she "passive aggressively" - she was a passive agressive PRO - she made a crack about me saying she was anorexic. It was obvious to me at that moment that my gut feeling about her feelings for me, were accurate.

I did not trust my gut so many times in that NIGHTMARE marriage. I always felt like I was being talked about by my sister-in-law and her friends. Her sister-in-law was WAY more in the family than I - the daughter-in-law- was. It was hard to take. It used to rip me apart inside. I could tell stories for days as to how on the "outside circle" I was.

What was even more painful, which I've let go of now, was the fact that "sue" my former sister-in-law dropped me like a bad habit after the divorce - not 100% at first, but now for sure. BUT the part that kills me is that when my Ex was dating this girl, "lisa,"before me for 8+ years, she stuck around after they broke up. She was still "sue's" friend. She was invited to parties, she hung around the friends still... it caused me and my Ex soo much trouble. I felt like I was not accepted and Sue was not that nice to me for the first couple of years we were married. I still have not figured that one out?? But then we became good friends.

Sue continued inviting "lisa" to the family parties, we ended up inviting her to our wedding out of feeling like it didn't bother us! Lisa still sent cards to my in-laws, my ex even cried over her after running into her at the bar one night. Here she was, his ex-girlfriend, and everyone welcomed with open arms in front of me long after we had been a serious couple... I tried really hard to make the best of it, but now looking back, I wish I had said something. I did say plenty to my Ex about her and that it was hard for me to constantly be around her but he never put his foot down. IF ONLY, he had stuck up for me, for US, from the beginning and said "you know Sue, I can't control who you are friends with, but it's hard for me and my wife to continue being around my Lisa so if you are going to continue to invite her to everything, we will not be attending." IF that would have been the kind of man he was, I think we would still be married.

I got walked on in my marriage and the more I said nothing, the more it overwhelmed me.. which then came bubbling out and it seemed as if I was an opinionated bitch after while I think. I was simply frustrated. How is it that I was part of the family for 12 years and I am not invited to anything now, but his ex-girlfriend was invited to every functionLONG after the break-up. His new girlfriend will never have to experience what I went through because I will never be at the parties making her uncomfortable, making her feel like an outsider, making her feel unaccepted by the family. How lucky is she. THey will think she is great, because he now has learned, I hope, to stand by the woman he chooses. Not leave her for the wolves. I am still bitter. I wish I could say I am all healed. It has only been a year since the divorce was final but I am desperate to move past it all.

When my dad was dying, I stayed up all night with him for nearly a week straight, rubbing his feet, rubbing his head, trying to get him to sleep, be comfortable for as long as he could be, whether minutes or hours. I was exhausted. I had been working 60-80 hours a week right before I flew down to be with him. So years later I find out what my gut was telling me for so long, My now Ex was with another woman, getting his penis sucked. Sorry for the Crudeness, but it is fact. He was "sleeping over" with another woman. Intercourse, I will never know. Since my dad died in Louisiana and we were all here in MI., I had a "memorial" service for him at my home. Well, the woman he was having an affair with showed up.

So when my ex was dealing with the funeral of his mother, I should have been more compassionate. I was told I should bite my lip and help him even though he was being ridiculous with changing the schedule for the kids everytime I blinked... well even though I should have been nice, I was very bitter. I was bitter because of the affair and his lack of support in my dad's funeral, because of all the rotten things she insinuated about me, I say insinuated because she was "passive aggressive." She could say many things without actually saying the words. Her son learned well. He used this little skill my entire marriage. I still don't know what to do with all the feelings. They just eat at me everyday of my life.

The words he spoke to me the day before I filed "you're a worthless piece of junk." proceeded by spitting on the floor and saying "that's what I think of you," these simple words, JUST WORDS, did more harm than anything he could have physically done to me. I wish he would have hit me, at least I would have concrete proof that he abused me. There were so many things said but I will save them for another entry down the road. I have so much emotion to speak of, so many incidents that I wish to get out of my soul and put out into the world, via internet or whatever other source that allows me to let go of it. I want to grow, to move forward.

Thank GOD I am with a patient and loving man who allows me to feel safe. I never came close to feeling as loved or loving my ex the way I love Jonathan. I am so blessed. I hope the tears and the anger and the pain subside over time. I have great talents that need to be used. God has given me these talents and we should always do the best with whatever God grants us. God give me the strength to find the peace within. I love you Jonathan. I love you "my favorite boy" and "my favorite girl." you are all the reason I live.

Peace and goodnight.

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Wishes for a Soulful Woman

My hope is that someday you can have the perspective to understand how others view you. When you walk into a room, your energy and beauty ripples throughout.

You are a truly amazing, insightful, loving and wonderful woman. You are destined for great things and worthy of true love.

Someday you shall see, that you are a true American beauty through and through. Until then and forever, I am here to remind you, love you, honor you and care for you.