the Bitterness of the ex's "new girlfriend"

Here I sit in my barren room, one piece of furniture picked from a curbside which I unsuccessfully tried to refinish, still no drawer handles, one piece donated to me by a close friend and one piece that I bought at my brother's garage sale several years ago for $20 and was prompted to throw away by the people who moved it TWICE in the past year - but I kept it. I did manage to leave with the $200 comforter that I am currently laying on - and it feels nice at least. I sit here in my tiny little rental home and though I am TRULY thankful to have a roof over my head, food in the fridge and healthy children- though I am home with my sick 4 year old today - I am thankful I am ok in general. However, I am still bitter. When I stopped by my ex's house this past weekend, on my way up to a fun filled Cub Scout camping- tenting - trip - 40 degree wather and lots of rain - still had fun, anyway ! so...when I went to the ex's to drop off the clothes that were HIS - the kids clothes that belong to him - there was a car in the driveway. MY driveway. I rang the door bell several times, getting satisfaction out of bothering him and his new friend - the one that met EVERYONE at his mom's funeral. He would not answer the door but I would not give up there. I went to the back door where MY french doors in the kitchen were not covered with window treatments and knowing him, they never will be. The kids came with me to the back door to see their dad. He finally came down, very red-faced. It was interesting to me that he is the "assistant coach" for his son's soccer team when it's convenient for him.... but now his son is not going to be at the game so suddenly he says " I didn't need to be there, I am just one of the "father helpers" like everyone else. " It is and always will be whatever is convenient for him as he is one of the most immature, slefish people I have ever met. So here he is, standing in the doorway, her long black boots on MY kitchen floor, two little wilting roses in a little jar vase on the kitchen table that's been in my family for decades and music blaring upstairs in my bedroom. I ask to meet her, he says no. At this point, my heart is racing. I've been having these dreams about her and what her name is. I finally get him to tell me her name is "kris" or "chris" or something. She has two little kids. He won't tell me anything about her and it just eats at me. I feel ... hmmm... I don't know how I feel. I feel angry. I am angry that I had to leave MY house because I couldn't afford to live there. I feel jealous that his family will like her better than me, that she may be prettier than I, that she may be way more successful than me, that she may be nicer than me... what if my kids like her better than me? God kill me if that ever happens... so here she is... having sex with my ex on MY bed, in MY room right next to the room where MY kids sleep. I DO NOT want him back - My God, he slowly abused me and killed a piece of my soul... but it kills me that I had to be the one to leave the marriage, leave the house and here some chick comes along, he treats her wonderfully, everyone in his family treats me like I am an asshole and I continue to get beaten up emotionally. I am angry that I HAD to leave the marriage or my soul would have died, it was dying, and yet SO many peolpe blame me for leaving, treat me like "what are you upset about, you wanted the divorce, what did you expect?" I didn't leave because I WANTED to - I HAD TO. I had been cheated on two years after I was married, I had been controlled so passive-agressively that 99% of the people did not see it. It mostly happened when no one was looking. He was great at that. He knows how to manipulate and doesn't take reponsibility for it nor does he even recognize his problem. I've continued seeing a counselor (until a couple of months ago) and he will never go - why? he still thinks it's ALL ME. He always will. I've begged him to apologize, to take responsibility for all the rotten things he said to me - as if this will make me feel better somehow. But he insists that "I said a couple of things in the end but was I really that bad? What did I really do that was so bad?" He made think I was CRAZY!!!!!!!! I still feel crazy. He says things so matter-of -fact that I start to question if I am the one being the jerk, is he right and I am just a big loser? Maybe my kids are better off without me. I am a terrible person. This is how VERBAL ABUSE works. This is how so many women stay in bad relationships because you get so trapped in all the casual "comments" that keep you down. You begin to question yourself. Especially if he has a larger, stronger support network than you. He even tried to take that from me. He would try to convince me that the people who were trying to help me and keep me strong were losers. "what does she know, she's divorced herself. She's bitter. you better watch whom you seek advice from. You fight with everyone.. it's all you, you have a problem with everyone... then it was My christian friends... blah blah... the church... blah blah.. Jesus doesn't want this for us.. blah blah... you know - according to the bible, you can not get married again if you get divorced. You have a RIGHT since there was infidelity but it says you can not remarry. " oh MY God..... are you kidding? are you actually saying this to me? I was so turned off from church at that point because of him. He convinced me that I was not worthy of being in church. I am an intelligent person... some have said well beyond many they know. Yet, I got pulled in.. pulled down. So far down that every little comment he has made over the past three years is a "belief" of mine now - not necessarily rational - but he pulled me down far enough, opened up the wounds deep enough, to pour all his garbage in... and I sit here, in tears STILL after all these years of crying, trying to get the garbage OUT. I am to the point of of just throwing tantrums like a child who can't get the toy he wants and he wants it sooo bad that he will do anything to get it. Nothing is working - I just throw emotional tantrums hoping I can cry out all the garbage... cry out all of the hurt. I cry hoping someone will come along and just save me. but no one can. It's between me, myself and God. No one can fix this but me.

BUT... as a single mom.. how do you FIX IT with less TIME than ever, less FINANCIAL RESOURCES than ever, obligations to kids and trying to keep their life as normal as possible.. time for friends, boyfriends, time for me... how does a person do it. I chose the divorce.. what about the people who had this srpung on them when they woke up one day? they think everything is fine and then BOOM, your whole world crashes down on you when they pack their bags and leave. AT LEAST that was not the case for me. However, when people see you as the VICTIMIZER - the one who filed - and not the victim - the one who did not choose it - in a divorce.... God help you. It is a huge cross to bear. Either way, it is hard. As hard as nearly any crisis in life - death of a child, death of a spouse, yet divorce gets brushed under the rug and talked about only when necessary. It's "common" just as cancer has become "common, " therefore people have become desensitized. The compassion is lacking. The suicide rate during and after divorce is huge yet we continue to ignore it. When does it get talked about? when?
God grant me peace today.. I still have to work later, take care of kids and work in my son's classroom as he cried when I said I could't come today. So I suck it up again... get it together, get a babysitter for my daughter for one hour and go work in the classroom. It's bad enough his parents are divorced... I can't be depressed too. It's not his fault. God I love them

to my fellow divorced person or parent...
Wishing me and you wisdom and strength..


divorce, ex-husband, ex-wife, inlaws, former inlaws, verbal abuse, marriage, family, parenting, children, relationships, love