Depression

I sit here on a sunny but cold November Sunday afternoon wishing I could just go to sleep and not have to ever wake up. I am tired and depressed. Why today? Where does this depression come from? I felt fine yesterday morning. I am ok when I am busy, especially doing things I really enjoy but throw one little wrench into the works or make me sit by myself thinking for too long and I am done for. I find myself having to force a smile, to get the energy or motivation to do anything at all.
I am lonely. I feel judged, misunderstood and taken for granted on a regular basis. I can't figure out if I offend and hurt people all the time or if these kind of things that go on with relationships occur all the time, I just happen to be extra sensitive to them compared to most. I am dying today because I feel like i made a mistake in getting a divorce. I don't want to be with him but maybe I should have tried harder. Maybe I should have moved out for a while instead of going to the divorce point. Maybe maybe maybe. I don't like the feeling that my sister-in-law doesn't talk to me anymore, the my own brother and his wife, as dysfunctional as they may be, don't even try to have a relationship with me but they do with gene. I am overwhelmed and sad. I want to see my kids more. I want to feel happy. I want to feel peace within my soul so that I don't care what others think. I need to have really good guidance in how to do those things. Not sure where to turn. Not sure where the money comes from to do those things. Not sure where to add more to my busy schedule - but maybe those are all excuses. I miss my friends. Frienships are really changing and it's hard to let go. I have to face the fact that people grow apart. People have different interests. It's just hard to let go when there are so many years invested. It's hard to start again with new friends that you've known for a year or two even though they are so much more involved in my kids lives than most of my best friends.. but i hate change when it comes to relationships. I hate it! It depresses me and it scares me. Maybe because my family unit is so very weak and my friends have always stepped into that role. Maybe it's too much of a burden on them. I've always felt like a burden. Will that ever end?
For now, I try to get myself out of bed every morning, do what I have to do and hope for better days ahead. One step at a time, one day at a time and BREATHE.


divorce, ex-husband, ex-wife, inlaws, former inlaws, verbal abuse, marriage, family, parenting, children, relationships, love